I read the other day that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair...forgive me while I roll my eyes and chuckle at this! Maybe for some that is the case, but I'd like to know if they ever still have thoughts of the affair? Do they no longer have sad days, reminders of being hurt or little triggers that remind them of their spouse's unfaithfulness? Do you ever really "get over" it? I know the one who did the betraying does...I imagine for them they make it happen almost immediately so they no longer feel guilt for the damage they've caused.
However, for the one that was hurt...it's a little more complicated. While we can learn to move on and deal with our day to day routines, we don't always have the ability to turn off certain parts of a movie that's embedded into our minds. As time goes on we do learn little tricks to fast forward those scenes and if we are able to, we can learn to ignore them as soon as they creep upon us. We didn't ask for them to be played over and over. All we want is to forget and never look back, we want our time lost back.
It's hard to explain this to the one that has done the unthinkable. You can't put a timeframe on mending a broken heart or expecting forgiveness immediately. Everything takes time and if you're one of the lucky ones that can move past certain situations quickly, I admire you. I'm not one that can do that. I can't just flip a switch and say, "oh well...time to let it go and move on with life."
One of the major obstacles with my husband and myself is that he is one of those people that can speed up the process of letting things go, while I am the complete opposite. I need time, lots and lots of time! I have tried to make myself forgive and forget, but my brain doesn't work that way. It takes me a while to process everything and after I've had time to let it all sink in I find myself dwelling on what has happened. It isn't a choice; it's just how my mind operates.
Over time, I have been able to spend less time sulking, questioning and wallowing in self-pity. What works for me is playing mind games. If I begin to think about his affair I quickly start reminding myself that I am better than the other woman. I am, in fact, better than my husband. I didn't deserve to be hurt and while I have made the choice to continue in my marriage I know I will be a happier, stronger person for fighting for what I want and the one I love. If I allow myself to spend time in that dark place I lose something very valuable...time. The time I should be spending enjoying special moments with my husband and my children. Life continues to move passed, and I would rather live in the now as opposed to the then.
Time is something we can never get back, why should we spend our time letting someone control our life and our happiness? Especially when one can almost guarantee they are not giving one ounce of their time feeling or showing remorse for destroying the lives of others. Time is precious and we should spend it wisely!!
